Friday, June 25, 2010

Writing to My Sisters

Christy & Kelly:

I'm going to write you a both a letter this week, and get out some feelings that I have never been able to say. Even today, when we had our little confrontation in the store parking lot, I just couldn't seem to get the right words out of my mouth.... they were blocked by the lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach. I couldn't get out the right words because I could feel the tears in my eyes coming closer with every word I spoke. So, I'm going to write to you instead.

Then, I am going to respect your wishes and never contact either of you again. It is pointless for me to continue to try and have a relationship with two people who apparently hate the sister that they have never actually known. Of course, you only hate the version of me that has been described to you, which is not who I actually I am at all. So, I will let go, and not try any more. However, I want you to know that I will never stop being your sister, and I will never stop loving you or praying for you.

If one day you realize you made a mistake and you want to know me after all, I will be here. I will always be available to you in that way, because that's what family does. I have never wanted anything more than to be your big sister and your friend. I have desired that relationship for as long as I can remember, and I have been denied that over and over again. So for now, until you change your mind, I am just going to stop putting myself in the place where it is so easy for me to be hurt be your selfish actions.

I don't know if you will ever see this blog post... part of me secretly hopes you are curious like me and you google my name just to see what comes up... If you do, maybe you will read this. Of course, I don't know if you will read the letter I send you either. For all I know you may drop it in the trash as soon as you realize it is from me. If you do, well... oh well I guess, Not much I can do about that. I tried, and now I am done trying.

This is the only picture I have of all three of us together. To my knowledge, it is the only one that even exists. I hope that changes some day, but I'm not holding my breath any more.

I love you still, Amber

1 comment:

  1. Wow Amber... I am so proud of the way you handled this -- with such bravery and maturity. You are such an amazing woman and are such a blessing to everyone you meet. I am proud that you are my daughter, so happy that we are best of friends, and I couldn't have asked for a better big sister for Zack. I know how much you love your sisters and how all you've wanted all of these years was just to be a part of their lives - to be their sister and friend. I pray that one day they will come to you Amber, until then it is their loss. I love you sweetie!